A baby snot-sucker-outer

First it was the Golden-Haired Snow Elf, and now Gloriana Cupcake has a cold. At 2 and a half weeks old! What rotten luck.

Yesterday afternoon she started snorting like a little piglet. By evening it had got worse, and during the night we all got very little sleep. G, because her poor pipes were caked in mucus, me, because G's snores were both breaking my heart and thundering about my eardrums, R because I woke him up in hysterics at 5am unable to take any more. Actually, the GHSE slept quite well and woke up at 6, happy as a lark.

The first thing I did this morning (apart from feed the baby/ recite 10,000 nursery rhymes/clear up various spills) was go to the pharmacy, desperate to alleviate the Cupcake's distress. I bought one of these, along with some saline drops (FOR TWENTY QUID!!! ahem.)
It's actually really clever: you put drops in the nose, stick the pointy syringey bit by the nostril and suck the plastic pipe thingy. Hey presto! A syringe full of baby snot and a less pigletty piglet. (Plus, at risk of sounding rather sick, it is very satisfying for the sucker.)

I don't know how I didn't discover these first time round.

Competition time

Can you guess what this device is for? Prize for the first correct answer.
PS It is not something rude.

Handsome plumbers (not from Poland)

Brrriinnng! It's the doorbell.

"Bonjour," I said as I opened the door. Before me stood a very handsome man, if frighteningly young looking. I imagined he must be a plumber because he had a blue overall with "Plumber" written on the right breast. What is this, work experience? I thought. Helping Dad for the day? In disguise and escaped from borstal ?

"Je suis ici pour fixer le dripping tap," he said, rattling his large tin of plumber's things. (Another giveaway.)

Stone the crows! At last some thawing of the letting agent's stoney heart. I'd been emotionally blackmailing them for months now to come and fix the hot water tap, with killer lines like "I'm pregnant! And I have a small child! In the evening there is no hot water left for her bath!" * plays plaintive violin music* etcetc

"Come in, come in.." I said, rather conscious of my 4 day old comfortable house slacks. "Would you like some tea? Coffee?" Ribena? Glass of milk?

He politely declined my offer and set to work. Rather dramatically, he didn't fix the drip at all, instead he replaced the entire sink! Not just any old sink, but one with a MIXER TAP. Mixer tap says posh. Mixer tap says class. Mixer tap says lovely, high-pressured bubbly water with no drips. Me love new mixer tap.

Do I need to get out more?

Still hungry for photos of Glorymouse?
Follow me..

This was our first (and so far only) outing with the double buggy. It combines the elegance of a bin liner with the wieldyness of a sack of concrete. To be fair it only cost £60 second hand from a shop in Dorset , so expectations were low...and it does get our two beauties from A to B.

In case you're thinking "there could have been a nasty accident with that girl on the scooter," it never happened. Now there's a relief! 

Er, I think I might have forgotten something in utero. Oh yes! All my clothes. But this towel will do nicely, thanks. 

Girl power, with a dash of monkey business 

Apologies to anyone who has ever been a resident of Dakin ward

After all my fretting about having a baby in Switzerland, I'm glad to say all my fears were totally baseless. The midwives were fantastic during the actual birth business, but it was the after care that ultimately took Gold. I give you

- minimum 4 DAY STAY, even for a totally normal delivery: hurrah!
- baby gets brought to you at night only if they cry (and so you can get some rest) : yippee!
- three course meals of restaurant-quality: resssssult!
- view of Mont Blanc from my hospital bed: come on!
- FREE nappies, knickers, breast pads, piles of fluffy white towels and dressing gowns everywhere: ker-ching!
-being waited on hand and foot by attentive staff: yesss!
- floors so spotless I could have licked them: splendid!
- baby dressed in (very sweet) hospital clothes during entire stay: grrrrreat!

In fact if I do this again, I might have to make sure I am still here.

Her love's the killing kind

My beautiful first-born, the Golden-Haired Snow Elf is (whisper it softly) coping rather well with her new sister. I came home feeling extremely anxious about the whole thing, but actually, the GHSE is rather sweetly fascinated by Gloria and wants to kiss and cuddle her all the time, although this activity needs a degree of police presence. Otherwise the tiny one gets mauled.

Once again, I must credit my wonderful Mama for lavishing E with attention and biscuits (which I have dropped all my middle-class neuroses about.) She has also taken her to the park, done all the shopping, fetched and carried after us and generally lulled me into thinking this 2 kids business is pretty easy.

She leaves me on Monday, after which I fully expect to return to twice my usual squalid living conditions and Emma will morph into a walking, not-quite-talking bundle of jealous rage.

*gulp*

Angel from the realms of Glory

Well, my Elf is at nursery, my yummy mummy is crocheting in the corner (as in 'doing crochet' - 'crocheting' looks rather rude, like it might be to do with crotches) and my glorious Glorymouse is asleep AT LAST AT LAST AT LAST.

I love her so much, but I would love her even more if she could tell the difference between 'day' and 'night'. She thinks day = drink, sleep, drink, sleep. Night, on the other hand = drink, disco! drink, scream! Scream, scream! disco! Scream, suck Daddy's little finger for about 3 hours!

I was so exhausted last night it is indescribable. And I think I got the baby blues all of a sudden, because I had cried and cried for 3 hours feeling very inexplicably hopeless..but it seems to have lifted today.

It's 3.45pm. I've neither left the house nor had a shower, so be thankful you can neither see nor smell me.

I will survive

Huge thanks for all your lovely comments. We're home now, and knackered...more later, but for now, here is my own special version of that famous song, by another famous Gloria:

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking you would never want to meet the world outside
But then I started twinging, and it wasn't very long
before 'twinges' were 'contractions',
more and more of them and strong
The midwife said
"your womb's too tough - I may have to send you home madame"
but by then I'd had enough
after climbing up and down the stairs
and wiggling my bum
it was then that you decided
that now was the time to come

So now you're here
In this strange place
You've got freakishly long fingers and a small old lady's face
your little hand grips like a vice
you think bosoms are quite nice
yes you'll survive
you will survive
(instrumental)

Switzer-laydeez

Here are the three beautiful Switzerladies. Lizzie returns to the nest today, after 3 days in Morge (Hotel) Hospital...

Glorious Gloria

Praise God for Gloria Rosemarie Schofield, born on Wednesday 11th January (a full 8 days early) in Morges, Switzerland, at 11.58pm, weighing in at 2.91 kilos.

We are so delighted and proud to have another daughter and a little sister for Emma. Lizzie did a truly magnificent job, Gloria was out after 6 pushes and without a single drop of pain relief

More news from Switzerproudfather in the coming days

Sudden change of subject

Hmm. I have been getting twinges since this afternoon. They were every ten minutes, noticeable but not too painful, now they are definitely more painful but less regular. I think.

Have you had enough in there my Panda, or are you just teasing me?

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

A phonecall from Dr Happy Frankfurter.

HF: "Bonjour, Madame. Lots of extremely fast, totally incomprehensible French. Tone: angry. Vous comprenez?"
Me: (flustered) "Non, est-ce...est-ce.."
HF: (cutting me off) "More very fast incomprehensible French, though I manage to pick up the following:
- "in THIS country, it is our medical and legal obligation to write the sex of the child on the dossier" and
- "if you didn't want to know you shouldn't have read it"
- "you said in your letter "my faith in your professionalism has been damaged. That is a serious accusation." Tone: still angry "Vous comprenez, Madame?"
(pause)
(as if to a stupid foreigner) "VOUS COMPRENEZ?"
Me: "About half...." (then start sobbing)
HF: (curtly) " Why are you reacting like this?"
Me: (bad French, amidst tears) I had no problem with the medical care. I just thought it was bad communication and lacked tact. If the sex has to be written in the dossier then you could at least have told me and I wouldn't have looked.
HF: (totally missing the point) Well, the dossier is about you. You have every right to read it.
Me: sobbing, totally lost for words
HF: (slightly softer) What do you want me to do, Madam?
Me: I would like you to be sorry. It was not for you to tell us the sex of our baby when we didn't want to know. I would like to be sorry for that.
HF: Well I am sorry! Very sorry! (sounding extremely defensive and not sorry at all - then sudden total tone change into false warmth) And may I wish you all the best for your upcoming birth. Goodbye!

Marvellous Minkleberry

Normal posting to resume shortly - there is a big Happy Frankfurter story coming - but not before I've had a public opportunity to say a very big welcome to 7lb 1 oz baby Seth, the latest addition to the family of Minks , one of my Tooting buds, especially after a terrifying birth and a very frightening time for her nearest and dearest.

From all in Switzerladyland, we wish her a speedy and full recovery and a headful of kisses to both boys from the Elf.

No babe action here yet, ten days to go.

A rumpus in the supermarket!

A baby elephant was seen earlier today in the local supermarket "picking up a few bits and pieces."

Whilst retrieving her items off the conveyor belt, she noticed a lady behind her tutting loudly in indignation. The baby elephant had committed the following crime: leaving her green, plastic basket on the metal stand in front of the conveyor belt and forgetting to put it in the stack of other green, plastic baskets!

"We're not in France, you know," said the tutting lady.

From David Attenborough's The Behaviour of Urbanised Elephants

PS I wonder where the Swiss get their reputation for anal retentiveness?

Robbed!

ROBBERY IN QUIET LAUSANNE STREET!*

Police were called this morning after it was discovered that thieves had broken into the basement of a block of flats in central Lausanne. Every single resident's cave had been broken into by force, though it is unclear how much was actually stolen.

BIG AS A BABY ELEPHANT!

One heavily-pregnant lady, described by one onlooker as "grande, comme un petit elephant" and accompanied by a small, blonde Snow Elf described the scene: "Someone had obviously been through the contents of the cave because everything was a mess and bags had been ripped open. When the robber saw that they were full of old baby clothes he must have moved on to richer pickings."

ARMED AND DANGEROUS!

Two police officers were present at the scene, both of whom were noted to have excellent physiques and carrying guns. The pregnant lady was overheard giggling and asking to be "shown the weaponry." Her request was ignored.

This article first appeared in Big 'n' Busty magazine.

*this is actually a true story, apart from a) no-one said I was 'big as a baby elephant', though this would not be an untruth b) I didn't ask the policeman about his weaponry (though I might have flirted a teeny weeny bit) and c) I'm not sure there is a magazine called BnB.