Yesterday I went from being quite laid back to throwing a proper all-singing-all-dancing star-spangled wobbly on the subject of how and where I am going to have the baby.

About the cantonal hospital I have heard things like "you have to stay on your back [during labour]", "everyone gets a cannula as a precaution", "the midwife didn't let me go to the loo" and "they keep you strapped to a CTG machine." Not champions of natural childbirth then, but like, du-uh, I should have guessed after 4 scans and countless blood tests and monthly bump measuring that they like to be thorough. There is no gas and air - which I am still getting over - but nor does anyone know what a TENS machine is. I admit my French may just be letting me down as I try and describe one ("you see you have pads that stick on the back yes and a button you press like a bomb and it goes whirrrrrr")

With Emma I had the best birth I could have wanted, with The World's Most Wonderful Midwife, who seemed totally confident that I could do it with the minimum of interference - and partly thanks to her, I sure that's why I did. When I tell people here I don't want to be interfered with, I get the strong impression I am expecting too much. Or they suggest a home birth - which I've thought about, but with a bath the size of a cardboard box and pale furnishings, I'm not keen. There is another hospital a bit further away that is smaller and friendlier apparently, which I might investigate. But this is hard for someone with very limited ability to plan and great powers of procrastination.

I thought about trying to do my tax return as distraction therapy, but just reading page one of "How to fill in your tax return" made me want to cry so I ate lots of chocolate instead.

PS I was wrong about Birdsong - it was really good, though I stand by my original claim that the sex scenes are rubbish.